An Australian newspaper has revealed they have found evidence linking the Guy Fawkes plot to the South African Secret Service under the previous regime. They claim that the bomb, which was planted under the British Parliament in 1605 but never went off, was made in South Africa. This seems to explain why it had an ox wagon printed on the underside and a Voorlaaier with Kruithorings on top. It is alleged that the bomb was assembled in Cape Town and transported overland to Cairo by the Rhodes Vision Transport Company, without the knowledge of the managing director of that company. From Cairo it was shipped to Ireland for an IRA stamp of approval, before being smuggled into England.
It is a well known fact that this device failed to explode. Researchers have now submitted the explanation that a chamber next to the gunpowder chamber, which contained a fuel which would have been lit to heat and ignite the gunpowder, was empty. Modern scientific research has shown that this chamber had contained mampoer. Evidence seems to suggest that the chamber was already empty when the bomb left Ireland.
These allegations have been met with scepticism by some, but the great confessor, Dirk Kotzé, yesterday stated that he had known this all along, but did not want to upset the Bishop with too many immoral truths all at once. He promptly pointed out the farm where the bomb was manufactured, as well as the ruins of the factory. But Mrs Martha Growweblaar, previous owner of the farm and now living in an old age home near the Union Buildings, denied this and stated that the ruins had been her tobacco drying plant and snuff factory, as they paid their labourers in snuff and some mealie meal, occasionally. She also denied that the labourers were ever given mampoer in payment for their services, and said it was only given on retirement. She furthermore stated that she did not want to become involved in politics at her age, especially since the residents had been informed that a high ranking former politician would be joining them soon.
Sceptics claim that the Nats could not have had anything to do with the incident, and pointed out that the National Party was only founded long after the bomb was discovered. However, supporters of the “Link”-theory said that the National Party was only formed so much later because it took the Afrikaners that long to agree about it. The essence of Afrikanerdom had been present for centuries, however, even since long before Van Riebeeck landed at the Cape. In fact, he originally planned to sail to Australia, but there was so much strife on board ship that he landed at Cape Town instead. It is now claimed that the Drommedaris had hardly dropped anchor when he jumped overboard and swam ashore. Van Riebeeck himself stated when questioned about the matter afterwards, that he had received a cellphone message from Interpol that there was a bomb hidden in the Commander’s office. This has been confirmed by an anonymous caller to this paper, who alleged that the bomb did not explode because he had seen Maria throwing it overboard in the direction where Jan was seen to be swimming along, so the gunpowder got wet.
(Which is further evidence that women are not technically minded).
This incident was later forgotten as the settlers got down to the business of building a fort and setting up trading links with the natives.
The ANC spokesman for Justice and Truth, Mr Honest Money, undertook to have all these allegations investigated. He furthermore stated that it was obvious that the National Party could not do anything right, which was why everybody should vote for the ANC. He could not imagine why, in a democratic South Africa, there should be other political parties.
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